I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
