you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
