I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
