So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
