my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
