I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
