I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
your like the ambassador to my penis.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
