Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize