I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
