This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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