I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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