I think I won the penis lottery.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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