his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
