I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
