my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
