I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
