Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
