When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Congratulations! We have a period
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