remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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