Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
