My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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