Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
