1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
