even my farts smell like vagina
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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