So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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