I faked an abortion last night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
