In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
