I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Sext me about skeletons
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
