This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
