Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
