i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
