He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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