guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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