so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
