i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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