all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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