and she was petting her beer can
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
