if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
