I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
