Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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