maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
