I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
