im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
