is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
FUCK WHALES
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
