omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
