i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
