Apparently you make a good broom.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
