Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
