Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
