quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
