I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
