after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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