I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
