My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
