turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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