I got chris browned last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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