My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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