Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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