Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
