Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
