What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
