Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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