Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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