I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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