Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
